Exoneration
by ChibotleKentucky
Summary: (You asked for it, Toni) Sidequel/Sequel to 'Coping' (The same content warnings as that fic apply) - Xara sure as hell can't forgive Romeo, but she also can't quite bring herself to let him go (Romara if you squint)
1. Chapter 1

Xara HATED Romeo.

Not the idle, flat irritation one might feel about something distasteful, a burning, consuming hatred that frankly felt like it was overtaking her mind.

Even thinking about him made her grind her teeth.

But GODDAMNIT, she couldn't hurt him.

Even in that first meeting after he had been devolved to a human, she couldn't hurt him. She had just... Broke down.

And then the next time she saw him, despite having more cohesive and restrainable emotion, she couldn't bring herself to hurt him still because he looked like a kicked puppy.

He had heavy bags under his eyes, he clearly hadn't been eating much, if at all, and he just looked so utterly resigned when he saw her that the only emotion she could understand from the swirling in her head was anger still.

Anger was the only emotion she could infer from herself anymore. She could sometimes come to a relative calm, but happiness was nigh impossible to remember. She could certainly feel sad, but it was a deep, mournful sort of sad that felt more like emptiness than misery.

She supposed now she had 'friends' or at the least, 'friendly acquaintances'. Jesse often said hi, and Stella sometimes invited her to Champion City. The blonde was a bit of a prat, but certainly entertaining to listen to - in a way - and could stave off boredom with ease.

And heck, maybe a part of her wanted to be friends with Romeo too. But that was just a part. Every other part was screaming for her to kill him.

A while after he came back, she noticed that he didn't leave Jesse's for several days. And when he did after that, he was always accompanied by someone, be it Stella, Jesse, Radar or even Petra or Lukas on occasion. She was confused. Why did he need escorts?

And then a while later (a week? a month? she found it hard to tell time) she saw him sat at the edge of a bridge, legs dangling over the side.

She sighed, expression becoming numb as she walked over.

"...What are you doing?"

His head snapped up so fast he must have gotten whiplash, eyes widening in something akin to horror before he masked it. "X-Xara, hi..?"

She frowned and looked over at the river below, seeing some fish that were close to the surface. It was oddly calming. She turned to look at him, eyes narrowed. "The hell're you doing out here? Trying to kill yourself?"

She said it mostly as sarcasm, but his silence made her pause. "...You are?"

"No!" he said a bit too quickly, shuffling away from her. She bit her lip and crossed her arms defensively. "It's not like i fucking care, okay?" she said sharply, and wondered why it felt like a lie.

"If you don't care, then go.." he mumbled, and she frowned. "No."

He looked up at her with something close to annoyance. "Why?"

She shrugged. "Jesse would probably kill me if you slipped and died by accident or something"

"Accident. Ha" he mumbled under his breath sourly. Her expression twisted into something unreadable. "Don't you dare jump. I'm serious"

He lowered his head, expression cold. "The only one who would miss me is Jesse. The rest would be happy" he shrugged. "He's been tryna help. I... I appreciate it.." his voice broke. "But..." he shook his head, looking frustrated. "Nevermind. Why are you even talking to me? Wouldn't you want me gone?"

"I.." she swallowed. "Don't ask me questions i can't answer"

He looked suprised. "It... You don't know?"

She grit her teeth and looked away. "I hate you, asshole. I always will. I fucking HATE you" she spat out the words like acid and Romeo flinched. Her voice softened imperceptibly. "But for whatever reason I'd rather you not get hurt or die... I don't know. I just- shut up, okay?!" she grumbled, cross. He had to hide a small instinctive smile. This was reminiscent of her small fits of petty anger back when they were both admins..

The smile slipped from his face. He hated thinking about the past.

"I don't know if i really wanna die.." he said quietly, listening to the sound of the water below him and the chirping of birds above his head. The wind blew his hair into his face. Peaceful. He closed his eyes. "Just don't want to be alive either"

Xara hesitated but sat down next to him, looking out over the river. She made a noncommital humming noise. "...I've felt that"

He looked miserable. "I don't blame you"

She shook her head. "But i've found something to live for now besides killing you, i suppose" she rolled her eyes. "Have you found a purpose?"

He shrugged. "Helping. Repairing. Making up for what I've done"

"What about when you're done doing that?"

"Well.." he began to scratch at his wrist. "I leave"

She scowled and grabbed his hand, pulling it away so he couldn't scratch anymore. "Like hell you will. Over my cold decaying body-"

She paused. His sleeve had slipped.

He yelped and jumped up, eyes filled with pure panic and terror. She stood up slowly, expression intense. "Show me your fucking arm"

"No!" he yelped, the noise almost a squeak with how high pitched he could be in panic. Another occasion she might've found it begrudgingly funny. Now, though?"

She grabbed him forcefully. He tried with little avail to tear himself from her grasp, but she had already grabbed at his sleeve with such force that it tore.

"...What the fuck?!"

He closed his eyes, as if it would shut out the sheer visceral reaction she had. Had he looked, he would have seen for a split second that there was pain on her face before she smothered it. "You CUT yourself?!"

"N-not for a week!" he exclaimed, and she growled. "You say that like it's much of an accomplishment. Why did you think this was a good idea?!"

He finally tore himself from her grip. "I didn't! It's just how i.." he tensed. "How i cope. It's not for attention or anything-"

"I never said it was"

"-But i haven't yet figured out another way to deal with things" he said awkwardly.

She looked tired. "You are trying to stop though, right?"

He blinked and nodded. "Yes, i am"

"Well" she stretched. "Sure as hell don't seem like it, mr. currently contemplating suicide"

He flushed a bright red. "It's n-not like i was actually gonna jump!"

"Suuure" she snickered, before blinking in suprise. They were... Joking? Granted it was morbid humour, but...

He bit his lower lip but smiled shyly. "I kinda missed this.."

Her face pinked and she looked away, shuffling slightly. "Mm, I'm sure you did.." she blinked as she heard shouting and turned to see Jesse waving, clearly trying to indicate her over. She moved to say goodbye to Romeo but stopped herself. They had made strides forward here, but she wasn't ready to normalise being around him in one day. One year? Maybe. But not yet.

So she simply walked off.

And somehow she felt Romeo smiling behind her, and couldn't resist a small little smile herself.


	2. Chapter 2 (A Month Later)

She thought she was seeing things when she saw him standing on the edge of that cliff overlooking the water.

She knew she wasn't when he jumped.

She let out a scream, gutteral and sharp and scratchy to her throat, before dropping everything she was holding and currently doing and sprinting toward the water.

And she hadn't even hesitated before stripping off her jacket and diving in, ignoring the alarmed cries of onlookers as she tapped into that latent, dormant energy that had been inside her for a while. After all, Admin powers couldn't be destroyed forever. They eventually grew and resurfaced.

She shivered at the feeling of the familiar energy spreading across her with a feeling of hot glue, her skin greening an odd colour and her hair seeming to gleam and become a more intense chroma as she began to push herself through the water.

The freezing cold would had likely normally rendered her immobile, but the energy pulsing through her seemed to flood her with warmth that left the cold a mild discomfort as opposed to a deadly hindrance.

Looking through eyes that felt oh so familiar yet so foreign she saw him floating close to the floor, eyes closed and skin almost white.

There was something odd about the pallor of his skin. There was no way the water was the only contributor. Had he taken pills or alcohol?

Eyes widening in panic, she shot toward him, trying to ignore the almost steam-like effect his blood gave to the water as it mixed with it that also somewhat worked to make it harder to see. She also tried her best to ignore the very much open cuts on his wrists that were causing said blood. She had to get him out the water first before worrying about those. He didn't seem to be moving in any capacity, even to shift or struggle, which set off alarm bells in her head.

She pulled him up into a hold not unsimilar to bridal style and placed her feet against the seabed..

Before shooting upward, ignoring the painful rush of water against her head as her magic propelled her higher and higher...

And she shot out of the waters surface, before collapsing after hovering for a moment, magic drained. Yeah, she may have went full admin there, but she sure as hell wasn't used to using that potential anymore.

Hacking up water she rushed to him and did the standard procedure one gives to someone who has just nearly drowned - cpr.

Not that she was very good at it, but hey, she didn't crack any ribs! That must be an accomplishment.

...not the time to think about that, Xara. Focus.

She jumped back as his body seemed to jerk or jolt violently before he shot up into a sitting position and began to rather violently cough up water (and maybe a bit of blood) and she drily noted on how pills came out too.

And her attention was instantly drawn to the still freely bleeding cuts all over his wrists, ignoring his protests as she tore off a corner of his shirt and wrapped them in a makeshift bandage.

"So" she said quietly, voice dangerous. "What just happened?"

The yellow-green colour began to recede from her skin and her hair dulled slightly. She felt her eyes gradually normalise, the intense detail of the surroundings returning to her more degraded human vision.

He swallowed and refused to look at her, expression uncomfortable and full of self loathing. He didn't speak.

Rage flew through her and she punched the ground with a shout. He jumped up as the earth seemed to shudder beneath them, a small crater where her fist had just been with spiderweb cracks jutting out for several meters.

She looked up at him, and knew there must be admin purple wisps coming from her eyes, fist glowing as she pulled it back. Her expression was furious. "FUCKING EXPLAIN!" she screamed, throat sore. He paled and clutched at his arm, swallowing thickly.

"I think it's pretty obvious what happened" he muttered, flushed in shame. "I... Gave up. There's nothing else to add to that, so i don't know what you expect from me"

Her eyes narrowed. "You think it's that fuckin' simple? I'm an admin right now, Romeo" her voice became poisonous. "I literally re-became what I hate the most to save you. Instinctively. You keep throwing your life around like no one would notice but we do!" she ran her fingers through her hair in frustration, either not noticing or not caring when the tie that held her bun up broke and her hair cascaded around her shoulders like a curtain, the pale sunlight bouncing off of her.

"I'm.. I'm sorry" he breathed, looking still like he didn't quite understand what he'd just done. "I didn't think, just-"

"That's right, you DIDN'T think!" she shouted, feeling like her entire body was composed of rage even as concern and affection burned beneath the surface, emotions she fiercely hid.

"I just... You lot wouldn't even notice. None of you care if i die-"

She slapped him as hard as she could, and utterly broke, tears starting to roll down her face. "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" she screamed, ignoring the pain in her throat, the pain in her heart currently overriding it. She grabbed him by the shoulders, expression filled with so much turbulence that he recoiled, shocked. She didn't stop. "HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT, YOU IDIOT. HOW FUCKING DARE YOU IMPLY I WOULDN'T CARE!"

He flinched, shaking slightly. "I-i didn't mean to imply-"

"YOU CAN'T JUST.." she paused and made a choked sort of sob sound, before collapsing into him, he quickly raised his arms around her to steady them both. His breathing was erratic and he couldn't stop the tears now running down his face. "I'm... Xara, I'm so fucking sorry" he gasped out before hugging her with an intensity she hadn't felt in a while, like she was the only thing he could hold onto to stop himself from just falling apart.

And maybe.. A bit of that applied to her too.

So she let him hug her desperately, listening to him gasp and make strangled sort of noises as he tried to repress his sobs. She shook her head, feeling emotionally exhausted. "I hate you. You dick. How dare you do this to me"

He chuckled without humour. "I love you"

She froze, eyes wide, before an odd sort of comforted smile crossed her face. She ignored the slight flush that crossed her face, the still rampant negativity inside of her blocking out any kind of budding romanticism she was feeling. "I know.." she closed her eyes. "Shit... I k-know"


End file.
